


Remembering life and love

by vampireKitten



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Blood, Cheating, F/M, FTM Signless, Humanstuck, M/M, Martyrdom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-11
Updated: 2013-11-11
Packaged: 2018-01-01 04:11:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1040190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vampireKitten/pseuds/vampireKitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part of the "novel" I'm writing for NaNoWriMo. It is almost 16,000 words.</p>
<p>Carmine remembered everything from Alternia but an accident during his childhood changed that. How is he going to cope with memories of a past life thrust upon him? Will he meet the man, or should I say, troll of his dreams?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Remembering life and love

Breathe in then breathe out. Breathe in slowly and exhale. Take in as much air as you can. It’s not something you have to think about. Your body just does it.

_My eyes open and there is a blanket of darkness covering me. The blanket of the entire planet, the night sky…_

_The night sky, dotted with pin pricks of light from stars that are so far away from where I lay but are too stubborn to be concealed by the inky black curtain that is night on Alternia. Around me, I can hear the chirps and rustling of the nocturnal beasts that roam in the forest surrounding our camp as well as the whistle of the breeze. My cloak ripples in the slight wind that is just cool enough to make me shiver._

_The breeze causes my hair to slither into my eyes, forcing me to close them. Before my body reacts to my brains desire to get the hair from my eyes, there is a hand pushing my hair away with an unexpected gentleness before the hand slowly begins to stroke my hair. I begin to purr softly as my head nuzzles into the hand. A soft chuckle fills my ears._

_Tilting my head back, I can see the dual colored eyes of the hand’s owner. My love. My soulmate. My matesprit. With a smile, I sigh and close my eyes again as I relax with my head resting in my love’s lap and their hand in my hair._

Have you ever fallen asleep without realizing that you had? I wonder if we ever know that we have fallen asleep or if our brains just kind of turn off as we slip into sleep’s embrace.

Sleep is a strange thing. You fall asleep in one place and then your mind reawakens in another.

I open my eyes and the light of the sun temporarily blinds me. My hand flies up to cover them in an attempt to protect one of the most vulnerable parts of my body from the assault of the violently bright rays of light.

“Carmine? Are you okay?” A female voice asks.

“I’m fine, Dani. Just forgot that it was so bright out when I fell asleep.” I say as I look up at her. Why does my voice sound so… Feminine? I look down at my body and see a set of mounds on my chest. Wait… That’s right… In the real world, I’m female whereas in my dreams and in my heart, I am male.

Dani is a beautiful woman with dark blonde hair, olive colored eyes and sun-kissed skin. She is curvy in all the right places. She smiled down at me and I knew that I should feel happy to have such a beautiful woman with me but I couldn’t help but wish to see those mismatched eyes again.

My head is resting in her lap and she has her fingers buried in my dark red locks which had been cut short since the dreams started 2 months prior. I always seem to forget when I wake from these dreams that my body is that of a woman’s. Slowly, I sit up and stretch, my top riding up a little as my fingers reach for the clouds high above my head. Even in my dreams, I have a small build. I have always been tiny compared to others of my age and sex.

“Today is so beautiful. The clouds are so fluffy and there seems to be love in the air.” I hear Dani say from behind me. Her voice has a slight purr to it, remnants of an unknown accent. I look around at the couples taking advantage of the beautiful, late spring day by having picnics or strolling along the pristine paths of the park.

I sigh softly and lay back down, this time resting my head on the blanket by Dani’s knee. She has told me that sometimes when I dream, I call out and whisper a name she’s never heard before. By my actions, she can probably tell what I dreamed about.

Let me clear something up. I’m not in a romantic relationship with Dani. We have a strange friends-with-benefits kind of relationship. I don’t really think of her in a sexual or romantic way. She’s more like a sister to me but sometimes I just need to feel like I am wanted and she has never hesitated to help me get the things I need including sex.

“Rosa called your phone earlier. She wanted to remind you of your promise to come see her this weekend.”

“That’s right… I’m supposed to go see mom this weekend.” I say softly, running my fingers through my hair. As my fingers brush over my scalp, I have a slight moment of wondering why my horns weren’t on my head before I remember that I am not on Alternia and that I am not a troll. Though it feels weird to think about, I am a human living on Earth, dependent on the sun for the things that grow and live around me.

I haven’t stopped thinking of Alternia, the horns that are supposed to be on my head, the grey tone that my flesh is supposed to be or the mismatched eyes that I see whenever I close my own eyes since the dreams started. It’s made my job kind of hard because when I look out to my students, I see horns on their heads and varying symbols in different colors on black shirts that cover grey skin. I see yellow eyes with grey irises that are just starting to change into the color that tells what their spot on the hemospectrum is.

Hemospectrum? Where did that word come from? I’ve never heard that word before and yet it feels so familiar on my lips. I don’t know how to explain it or the other things that have slipped through the cracks of my human life into my every thought and dream. I don’t even know what triggered the dreams or if there is a trigger at all but these thoughts feel so familiar, maybe even natural but how could that be? How could feeling like you are supposed to be a horned, grey-skinned male of another species on a completely different planet something that could be considered natural? I should probably speak with my mom about this and she what she has to say. Maybe she can prescribe a medication to get these thoughts out of my mind and make me healthy again.

After a couple hours of lying there and watching the clouds roll by and the sun traverse the blue sky, we reach a mutual decision to gather our things and head to the car. Dani drops me off at my apartment and I head up to the second floor. The door to my little one-bedroom apartment has a small plaque with gold numbers that read 223. For some reason this has slightly bothered me over the last couple months.

My apartment is a bit of a mess, summer clothes strewn around and papers on the couch and coffee table. The school year was about to end and I couldn’t be lonelier. The summer is when Dani does most of her work at the big cat reserve a few hours away. I’ll be alone for most of the summer with nothing but my books to keep me company.

I look toward my kitchen, the cleanest part of my entire apartment, and notice that a jar of raw honey sits on the cabinet. For a split second, I believe that the one with the mismatched eyes is there but then I snap back into reality and remember that I had left it out after I had finished making my breakfast this morning. It’s ridiculous how distraught this simple realization makes me feel.

After kicking my shoes off, I walked toward the bathroom. My bare feet make a soft padding noise as I walk on the hardwood floor of the apartment. The floor feels kind of cold under my feet but at the same time, it feels good, almost soothing. I keep the bathroom door open since I’m the only person who is ever in my apartment. No one really comes to visit this place. It’s my sanctuary.

The tile of the bathroom is even cold than the wood in the living room and hallway. I shiver a little and look into the mirror. The first thing I notice about myself is the lack of grey skin and horns. I sigh and run a hand through my wavy, shoulder length hair. My eyes are red from albinism but that is the only thing about myself that seems like it is supposed to be there. The red hair, hornless-ness, fair skin that is a strange mix of pinks and the white sclera of my eyes. It doesn’t feel right to look like this and that’s just talking about my head.

Looking down my body, there are strange things that I can’t help but notice like the small breasts on my chest or the curve of my hips. I have always been uncomfortable in my body but it’s gotten worse since the dreams began. What could be wrong with me? People told me all the time that I was lovely and beautiful but it didn’t mean anything to me. My body feels so wrong.

The day passes slowly as it does when spending time alone with nothing more than your thoughts and books for company. I did get a few things done throughout the day. I made a nice dinner and even did some laundry.

In my apartment, I have a red chair that is the most comfortable thing I have ever sat in. This chair was in my mother’s house while I was growing up but she let me take it when I went to start my own life. It is the perfect size for me to curl up with a cup of tea, coffee or hot chocolate and read or watch TV.

The mug that holds my tea is warm in my hands and my current book rests on the wide arm of my chair, open to the page that has the words that my eyes flash over. On the coffee table, a mere two feet from my chair, there are student papers, an answer key and some lesson plans for the next few weeks of class.

I love my job. I teach history at the local high school. I have always had a love-hate relationship with the subject of history. I love the art and the shifts in knowledge, technology and culture but the violence, death, war, and hatred are things I don’t really understand. I don’t see why the world can’t be a peaceful place that is full of love…

The way I wish the world was like is foolish and naive… I’m aware of that but that doesn’t lessen my desire for a kinder world.

My books are my escape from reality. I’ve always loved to read. Books are like a magical device that allows me to travel through time and space, visit undiscovered and alien worlds, as well as experience the impossible. If you like Dr. Who, you could say that books are like the Tardis.

Around 9:30 PM, my mug is empty of tea and my book is closed. I stare at the TV as I try to find the motivation to get up from my comfortable spot in my chair to go shower. Once I get moving and into the shower, the warm water washing over my freckled shoulders is when another wave of relaxation washes over me.

I have this weird habit of closing my eyes when I shower. I don’t feel comfortable looking at my body because I don’t feel like it’s mine. The thoughts about who I really am makes it hard to look in the mirror. I don’t look like me. My body is wrong. My face is wrong. My hair is wrong. It’s all wrong. I don’t have my small, rounded, candy-corn colored horns, the shaggy black hair, the goatee that my matesprit would pull on when they wanted a kiss, or the grey skin that was thicker and tougher than this human flesh. When I look down my body, I wonder why I can’t see the slit of the sheath that protects my reproductive organs. It’s when I look into the mirror that I can see all the differences between what my body actually is and what my heart tells me it should be.

Sleep comes easy. Another night full of dreams of a love that isn’t real but feels as if I am so close to finding. Another night of feeling warm hands in my hair and a gentle bristle of electricity around my horns. All of that disappears when the screaming of my alarm clock causes me to jump to alertness.

It’s Saturday and the morning sky is beautiful. I quickly get dressed and pack an overnight bag before heading to my car. I feel good, like the world was sending me secret messages that something special was going to happen today. I stop at one of my favorite restaurants for breakfast.

The drive to my mother’s house doesn’t take long. I love going to see her but I get so busy with grading papers and homework for the classes I teach that I don’t get to come over as often as I would like. I pull my generic silver car into the drive-way, being careful not to park in the spot with the red sign that says “Patient Parking” in white letters.

Why would there be patient parking at a house? Well, my mother is a psychiatrist and her office is in the den of her house. I remember sitting in the living room and watching as different people entered and exited the den on a daily basis. Some of the people came weekly, others monthly. Some people only ever came once.

My mother’s house is a two story, Victorian house in jade green with a front porch that has lots of potted plants, hanging and sitting on the wooden boards that make up the floor. Around the border of the house, there are rose bushes and climbing vines. The roses make it near impossible to see the white railing of the porch.

It feels good to be home and surrounded by the comforting atmosphere that it our little country road. A smile pulls at my lips as I walk up the few steps to get to the heavy, wooden front door. There is only a few seconds after I ring the doorbell before the door is swung open and there is a pair of thin but sturdy arms around my waist and I am surrounded by the smell of rosemary.

“Hey Mom.” I smile and hug the older woman back.

“Oh Carmine. My sweet baby.” Her voice is soft but wise, the voice of a matron. “I have missed you so much.”

“Mom, you saw me like a month ago. You see me more than you see Portia and she’s your biological daughter!” I laugh. Mom pulls back and gives me a look.

“So what if I didn’t actually give birth to you. You are still my son and I will always miss you when you aren’t here with me.” She said sternly, hands on my shoulders. Rosa, or mom as I call her, isn’t my biological mother. My parents were killed in a car wreck. I somehow survived the wreck with nothing more than a concussion. When I was released from the hospital, Rosa adopted me. She had known my parents for years and was a dear family friend so it seemed to be the best choice since I didn’t really know the rest of my family.

Rosa has done a lot for me. When she adopted me, she truly adopted me. I have never felt like an outsider for not being one of her children by birth. She made sure that my siblings, Portia and Katelyn, both understood that I was as much a part of the family as they were. Portia and I are quite close. Katelyn is younger than me by a few years but is a lot like mom.

“Either way, you’re home now and there are some sweets in the kitchen for you.” She smiled before bringing me into the house.

“You made sweets for me?”

“Of course! I always make fruit tarts for when you come home.” She grinned. “I know how much you love them.”

“You’re the best, mom.” I grin and hug her tight before practically running to the kitchen. The house is warm and smells of various fruits and herbs from the baking of the tarts. It always feels so good to be with Rosa again. I sigh with happiness and take a small plate, filling it full of fruit tarts before sitting at the kitchen island to eat. There is no better place to be than at home with my mom.

“Carmine… Dani tells me that you’ve been having strange dreams lately. Do you want to talk about it?”

“Mom… You aren’t working right now.”

“I’m not trying to psychoanalyze you, Carmine. I’m worried that you’ve relapsed.” She said. When I look at her, I see genuine concern but I don’t understand where the concern originates from.

“What do you mean by relapse?” I ask, now confused as to how I could relapse when I’ve never had what could be considered a psychotic episode.

“Tell me about the dreams first.” She said. I pause for a moment, feeling as if my question has fallen on deaf ears before I begin to tell her of the dreams of the alien world and my lover with mismatched eyes.

“It’s exactly as I thought…” She whispered, running a hand through her short black and gray hair.

“What is? Tell me why you thought I would relapse. What would I even relapse from?” I ask, feeling angry. Her body language tells me that she is truly concerned.

“These dreams… Have they happened before?” I ask, my voice is quiet. She nods shortly before opening her eyes to look at me.

“Before the wreck that killed your parents, you used to talk about a place called Alternia and your life there. At first, your parents and I thought it was just an imaginary world that you had come up with but then you began to use strange and mature words that were not what a child your age should have known.” She said softly, hands folded on the marble of the island.

“You were so young and you kept telling us that I was your real mother and that you had someone who was looking for you. I still have the pictures that you had drawn for me to show me what things looked like on the planet. You would write in a different language sometimes and then write letters to someone in the language but you couldn’t even spell your name.” I was sure that my mouth hung open enough that I could have eaten a fly. I had no memory of this.

“Have I done it since the accident?” I ask cautiously. I didn’t know how to approach this subject and talking about this seemed to upset Rosa a bit.

“No…” She shook her head. “The doctors said that your brain was completely fine but you haven’t talked about Alternia since the accident.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me about this?”

“I thought it was just an imaginary world that you had come up with because of your young age. Many children have imaginary friends and are very active with their imagination.” She paused, looking down at her hands. “When it stopped, I figured that your parents deaths had made you see the world differently and that you had given up your imaginary world so you could deal with the pain…”

“Isn’t it strange for a child to not come up with an imaginary friend to help them deal with sadness?” I ask, trying to remember the little bit of child psychology that I had taken in college.

“It is strange but you have never been a so called normal child, Carmine.” She said. “You were always so accepting and even after seeing what the world does to people who don’t fit in, you’ve stayed yourself.”

“Mom… Did… When I was little, did I ever… Did I ever say that I wasn’t a girl?”

“All the time.” She smiled and reached to put her hand on mine. “That stopped after the accident as well but I could always tell that you weren’t comfortable with your body. I didn’t want to bring it up if you weren’t okay with talking about it or else I would have suggested that you start gender reassignment.”

“Gender reassignment? You mean like being trans?” I ask. Rosa nodded and patted my hand.

“That’s exactly what I mean. If you want to go through the surgeries and the therapy, I would be more than happy to help you become the person that you feel you are.”

“I’ll need to think about it. I’ve never considered it before and this is a big deal.” Is my response. I can’t tell if I am happy or shocked that she understood or if I am some sort of mix of the two.

“I understand. Why don’t you go to the garden and read? The patio swing has been fixed.” She smiled. I nod and get up from the stool before heading into the den to find a book. It’s easy to find one of my favorite books. I smile and go out into the garden, sighing as I am embraced by the inviting scents of flowers and herbs.

Down the stone path, there is a small gazebo that has a patio swing with a floral patterned cushion on it. I spent many a summer on the swing reading the classics over and over. The swing sways a little as I sit on it and shift to get comfortable. I kick off a little and I am swinging as I open the book and start from page one.

I spend the day reading on the swing in the gazebo. Around 8 PM, mom comes out to tell me that dinner is done. It’s easy to stop the swing but it’s not as easy to put the book down. She stands by the door to the kitchen and holds out her hand. Mom has always scolded me for bringing books to the table. It’s gotten to the point where she just takes the book from me before I even get into the kitchen.

There is some of my favorite foods on the table including fried chicken and green beans. I sit down at the table and pile the food onto the plate. Once I’m done eating, I lean back in my chair, hand on my slightly swollen stomach and sigh.

“When was the last time you had a good home cooked meal? I’ve never seen you eat so much, Carmine.”

“I actually had a home cooked meal last night but it’s been forever since I had fried chicken.” I smile.

“Carmine, do you remember what you talked with me about earlier?”

“Which thing, mom? The trans thing?” I ask, looking up at her.

“Yes. If you want me to use male pronouns or call you by a different name, just let me know. I would be more than happy to do that.” She smiled. In the back of my mind, I know she is trying to be supportive but I can’t help but think that she is turning this into a bigger deal than it needs to be.

“Mom, I like my name but I don’t know about being called by male pronouns. I don’t even know if I want to go through with transitioning yet. You know I don’t think of anything besides the story when I’m reading.” I say, quirking an eyebrow. “Why is this such a big deal to you? Using feminine pronouns for me doesn’t bother me.”

“I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable, Carmine.” She said. “If you want to be a male then I will do whatever you need me to do to make you feel like one.”

“I understand that, mom but please don’t try to push this decision on me. It’s gonna take me a while to figure out if this is really what I want.” I say, leaning forward. “It’s me that has to live with the decision in the end.”

“I understand, Carmine. I didn’t mean to push. I was just trying to help you.” She said, a soft smile on her lips. The rest of the weekend is filled with lots of reading in the garden and tea with my mom. I sigh when I get home, returning to the loneliness that is my single bedroom apartment. I don’t feel like actually cooking when I get home so I end up ordering from a local restaurant.

Once my dinner arrived and I finished eating it, I take a long shower and let myself relax a bit before I got into bed.

Sleep doesn’t come easy some nights. I could hear every car that passed my apartment building and every single drunk person walking down the sidewalk. It was a nightmare in itself. I finally fell asleep around 3 AM but had to wake up around 6. Though I love my job, there are some days that seem to last forever. It hits me especially hard when I haven’t slept very well.

I was so tired when I got home so I ended up falling asleep on the couch as I watched TV. I woke up around 7 PM with a cold cup of tea on my coffee table. When I finally get off the couch, I go straight to bed for sleep. Over the next few days, I teach my classes and think about what I had talked with my mother about.

My thoughts won’t leave the thought of how I am supposed to be. Every time I go into the bathroom and wash my hands, I can’t help but feel awkward when I hear or see other women in there. I see how they fix their hair and touch up their make-up. It makes me feel awkward since I really don’t do much with my appearance. I feel there is no point in doing my hair or wearing make-up because it’s not like I would feel better about myself if I were to do those things.

My students can tell that there is something occupying my mind that isn’t the French Revolution. When I finally get home, I pull my phone from my pocket and dialed my mom.

“Carmine, how can I help you?” My mother’s voice is a little raspy through the phone.

“How do I start the transition?” I ask.

“What? Transition?” She asked.

“I want to start transitioning to be male. I don’t know how to start this process but I want to feel comfortable with my body and my looks.” I confess to her. Within an hour of being on the phone with my mom, I had notes on how to start my transition to being male and doctors I could talk to about surgeries if I decided to take that route.

It only took an hour of searching the internet to find a binder that I felt could fit with my daily clothes. I immediately ordered a few of different colors. The next step was to go to the mall and get new clothes. I couldn’t wait to get started. Within a few days, I got my binders. I ran into my apartment and began to try them on with the new clothes I had bought.

It was such a difference. I stared at myself in the mirror, a huge grin on my face as I twisted and turned in my clothes. I felt like I was closer to being the real me. I took some pictures on my phone and sent them to my mom. I couldn’t believe that I actually looked like a guy.

“Mom! My binders came in today and they work great! I feel like a completely different person!” Was the message that I sent with the pictures. It only took a few minutes to get a response. I couldn’t help but dance around my apartment a little as I got used to the feeling of being in what is called male clothes. I felt so alive. The jeans were comfortable and the shirt was loose but not too loose. I can’t help but stare at myself in the mirror. I look different and I feel different. It’s magical.

I had been offered a position at another school just a few miles away from my apartment. I had talked with the person who would be my new supervisor and told them about my transitioning to male. They were more than willing to accommodate me. I couldn’t believe that they were so understanding of the situation. I felt blessed.

Summer passed in a blur. I had gained vivacity for life that I had never really had before. It was amazing. Before the school year even started, I had finished my lesson plans for the entire first semester. Life was completely different for me since I started my transition. It felt like things were perfect.

When the school year started, I felt prepared. My students knew me as Mr. Vantas and the other teachers used masculine pronouns when referring to me. It made me so happy that I was so accepted and apparently passed as a male. I couldn’t wait to see what the future had in store for me. Maybe I would even find the lover from my dreams?

I’m not so naïve as to think that just because I can finally dress the way that feels the most comfortable to me that it means that I will find the man… or well, person of my dreams. I’m not sure what their gender is and honestly, I don’t really care about it. It’s just something nice to think about. I am happy to finally be able to show the world the real me.

A few weeks into the school year, the other teachers decided that we should all get together and go out to eat at one of the bars in town. We went to this Irish bar that had beautiful tables and chairs that looked like they were hand carved. There were Irish flags on the walls as well as paintings of Ireland. The walls looked as if they were made of stone and the entire exterior of the building looked like a cottage. I walked to our table and sat down with the other history teacher. We all began to chat about our lives and backgrounds, generally getting to know each other.

One the other side of the table, there was a beautiful woman, a biology teacher, who was short in stature but perfectly curvy with rounded cheeks. Her hair is long and wildly curled but seems to be well kept. It was fluffy and I kind of want to run my hands through her hair. It seemed kind of strange at first that she kept the chair beside her empty.

“Hey Condy, where is your lover boy?”

“Why do you insist on calling me Condy when my name is Cordelia, Marie?”

“Cordelia, is Pogue coming?” One of the teachers asked her.

“He’s supposed to be coming but you know how it is with him. He’s always working.” She smiled.

“What does he do?” I ask, curious. I didn’t know that she had a boyfriend even though I had to agree that she was very attractive.

“He’s in the military, air force actually. He’s a computer engineer and pilot.” She smiled. “He makes software for the military and flies planes and jets with it.”

“Wow. I bet he’s amazing.” I smile at her. It’s good to see people happy. After a few more minutes of chatting with the other teachers, when some of the female teachers began to giggle and whistle. I look toward the door and there is…

I don’t even know how to describe this man. He was perfect with cropped, dark brown hair and the most perfectly toned arm I have ever seen in my life. As he got closer, I could see the smallest bit of a tattoo on his collarbones. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I felt as if I couldn’t move. It was almost as if I… If I know this man.

“Carmine, it’s not nice to stare.” The person beside me said as they elbowed me in my side. I jumped a little and looked toward them, mumbling a soft apology as I stared down at my drink. I had never reacted to anyone like this before.

The man sat down beside Cordelia and kissed her cheek. For some reason, that small gesture of affection kind of bothered me. The candle on the middle of the table caught my attention and I ended up staring at the flame as it danced upon the end of the wick.

The flames seemed to grow in front of my eyes and soon, the entire restaurant was gone from around me. I could hear the sounds of the forest again. It felt so familiar but I couldn’t look away from the fire. I heard a familiar voice calling my name and then there were arms around me. The smell of honey and electricity fill my nostrils. I can feel myself smile a little.

“Carmine!” I hear and the scene around me changes back to the little restaurant that is full of my co-workers.

“Sorry… I zoned out for a minute.” I say softly, rubbing the back of my neck with my hand to make it seem like an accident.

“Are you sure you’re okay, dude?” The man beside Cordelia said. I looked over at him and the first thing that I notice is that his eyes don’t match, one a reddish brown and the other a bright blue.

“Your eyes…” I whispered.

“His eyes? What about them?” Cordelia asked. “Pogue?”

“Yeah… My eyes are two different colors but what does that have to do with you being okay?” He asked.

“It doesn’t have anything to do with me being okay… I mean I’m fine but your eyes…” I said softly, leaning a bit closer. He seems to scoot back a little.

“I’m sorry… It’s just that your eyes are amazing. I’ve never seen anything like them.”

“What did you say your name was?”

“I’m Carmine Vantas.” I smile and he leans forward.

“I’m Pogue Captor. It’s nice to meet you, Carmine.” He smiles as his hand reaches toward me. He’s got a sweet smile on his lips and I find that I have this strange urge to pull him across the table and kiss him like no tomorrow. When his hand wraps around mine, it’s warm and familiar. I can’t help but think that I know this man, like he is much more than a pilot in the military.

“You seem really familiar.” He said softly. He’s got a slight lisp and when he speaks, I can feel every hair on my body stand on end and my heart beat faster.

“You feel that too? You seem so familiar to me as well. I can’t believe I found you…” I smile and shake his hand, his mismatched eyes meeting mine. When I feel him touch me it’s like my brain loses control of my body. I feel safe.

“Found me?” He asks, not pulling away as his eyes widen. “You were looking for me?”

“Ooooh… Condy looks pissed.” I hear off to my left. I look over at the person and pull back from the warmth of Pogue’s hand, my fingertips brushing against his palm. I hold my hand to my chest. Whenever I look at him, my heart aches. Cordelia is angry and you can see it with how her attitude shifts so suddenly from bubbly and carefree to angry and cold. I feel awful because I know she, and the rest of my coworkers, probably think that I want to steal her boyfriend. I would never do that.

The rest of dinner is awkward for me and I do my best to not look in Pogue’s direction as well as not listen to his voice. Even with the lisp, his voice is smooth and deep. I could just listen to him talk forever but I couldn’t let myself get carried away by his voice. It was really hard for me to not look over at him or listen to his voice. I made an excuse and left early, waving at everyone as I left. Pogue didn’t look at me as I left.

I went home and curled up in bed, trying to figure out how to deal with the thoughts and feelings I get when I see him or imagine his voice. I kind of hope that I can see him again but then again, I don’t want to see him again… I don’t know what I will do if I see him again. He makes my heart flutter and my chest feel tight… I don’t know how well I will be able to control myself when it comes to him.

My dreams were filled with the Alternian sky and the smell of fire as a pair of strong arms wrapped around me. I felt so safe in my dreams. My dreams are where I can feel safe, loved, and wanted. My lover with dual-colored eyes is there and he makes me feel so happy.

“Pollux…” I whisper as I lean into his embrace. “Where can I find you?”

“You have already found me, my love.” He whispered in my ear, his breath warm against my cheek. I could feel the slight spark of his psionics on my skin, a telltale sign that he was becoming aroused. His arms wrap around me tighter as his chin pushes my cloak down and over my shoulder, exposing my neck to the cool autumn air. Warm, wet lips are on my neck in an instant. I can feel the points of his fangs on my skin as he sucks a hicky into my grey flesh.

The moan that escapes my lips is soft and involuntary. It feels so good to have him touching me. This is not the first time I have ever had a sexual dream about my life on Alternia. I press my hips back into his.

“Ah Carmine… You feel so good.” He moaned into my ear as his hand push down my legging as he brushed his hand over the slit of my sheath. I can feel that my nook is starting to become wet with genetic material.

“You aren’t even inside, love.” I moan softly. He slipped his hands from around me and all I could feel was Pollux pushing his pant down and away from his twin bulges before he lifts my leg. Slowly, I can feel the tip of the twin bulges slipping into my nook. A shiver racks through my body as he incases himself inside me. It’s warm and I feel so full.

When he begins to thrust into me is when my voice becomes louder. I have no idea if outside of my dream I am making similar noises but I never fail to wake up with a wetness between my thighs that isn’t there very often. These dreams of Alternia feel so real and I can’t help but pray that one day I find someone who can make me feel like Pollux does in my dreams.

It’s like he knows when I’m about to wake up. He always gives me the sweetest kisses and hugs me the tightest just before I return to consciousness. It’s painful when I wake up. My body doesn’t hurt but I feel cold and completely alone.

The next few weeks are awkward to say the least. Everyone stares at me when I enter the teacher’s lounge. They don’t act directly cruel toward me but I can see. I can feel the heated glaring on my body. I know what they think of me. They think that I am going to try to take their lovers and partners. I have no wish for that. I merely wish for acceptance.

That night I went to the store to get a few things that my dinner called for. I walk slowly through the aisles and gather my ingredients. My mind is filled with many thoughts, most of which I can’t grasp as they slip through my fingers as if they were grains of sand. It’s very frustrating.

The sound of metal hitting metal is what brings me out of my trance. I look up and find that I have run into another shopper. Before I can even begin to apologize for my absence of mind a voice fills my ears.

“Carmine? Is that you?” The realization has hit me that standing on the other side of the carts is Pogue. Beautiful, gorgeous, tall Pogue.

“Hi…” I say softly. “I’m really sorry I ran into you. My mind has been all over the place recently.”

“It’s fine, Carmine. I’ve wanted to see you again but I work so much and I couldn’t tell Cordelia that I wanted to see you.” He smiled that beautiful smile. “She still isn’t very happy about the moment we had at the restaurant.”

“You call that a moment? I call that a bout of insanity.” I giggled a little. I can’t help but feel warmth in my chest when he smiles.

“A bout of insanity it may be but there is definitely a connection between us.”

“Listen, Pogue… I’m not going to deny that you are very attractive but you have a girlfriend. I don’t feel comfortable with flirting with a taken person.”

“Carmine, what I have with Cordelia isn’t anything like the connection we have. This is stronger…” He moved around the cart. “Can’t you feel that?” He took the few steps for him to get close to me before putting his hand to my cheek. My body reacted by nuzzling my face into his palm. A familiar smell filled my nostrils.

“Oh Pollux…” I whisper. He seemed to freeze but I couldn’t see his reaction since I had closed my eyes.

“Pollux? How do you know that name?”

“I hear that name in my dreams and in my head every day and every night.” My eyes open a little as I speak. “Have you ever heard that name before?”

“Carmine… Finish your shopping. I’ll meet you at the registers so we can speak.” I’ll be honest. The way he’s acting confuses the hell out of me. This doesn’t seem like the man from my dreams. I look down into my cart. Shampoo, conditioner, body wash, laundry detergent, a pack of razors. Nothing that needs to be refrigerated.

“Um… Okay.” I say softly before heading up to the register. I pay for my items quickly and go to stand at the front of the store between the newspaper stand and the cart return, my bags in my car as I shift my weight from one foot to the other. It takes at least 10 minutes for Pogue to finish his shopping and find me. I was so nervous. What was the point of this? What was going to happen? Why did he want me to meet him up here?

He walked over to me, a soft smile on his lips. His smile is so cute and I can’t help but return it with a smile of my own. He looks so calm but I can feel my cheeks heat up as they flush red and my heart begin to race a mile a minute.

“Go to your house and drop your groceries off then meet me at the Starbucks on St. James boulevard.” He says to me before he begins to push his cart toward the door. I can barely squeak out a ‘yes’ before he’s out the door, his long legs carrying him swiftly to the parking lot. I watch him walk for a moment before my brain kicks back into gear and I grab the handle of my cart so that I can get to my car.

Traffic gives me something else to think about as I drive home. Once I had arrived home and put my groceries away before I became nervous again. Was this considered a date? It couldn’t be a date… Pogue is a taken man… But then why did he ask me to meet with him?

The entire way to the coffee shop, my mind is racing. There are so many thoughts going through my head that I am kind of surprised that I didn’t get into wreck. When I arrived at the Starbucks, I have to stay in my car for a few moments to collect my thoughts and calm myself down. It takes a while but I finally get myself to relax and calm down enough to get out of my car and walk into the café.

I find him easily, sitting by the window with a white Starbucks cup in his hands. He’s staring out the window and I have to wonder what he’s watching for or if he’s watching for me. With a deep breath, I walk over to his table.

“Hey Pogue.” I squeak out, trying to smile through my nerves.

“You came…” He grins at me and I feel my nervousness melt away. He makes me feel so calm and like nothing in the world can go wrong.

“Yeah… I’m here.” I smile a little. I’m quite sure that I have a dopey, love struck puppy look on my face by the way he chuckles.

“Sit.” I follow his command by pulling out the chair across from him and planting myself in it.

“Would you like a coffee? I need to refill mine.” He asks.

“I’m not really a coffee person.” I can see the frown start to pull the corners of his lips down.

“I’ll take a chai tea though.” I smile. His mood seems to pick up a bit when I say this that he practically jumps up and bounces over to the counter. He’s acting like a little kid who is excited for a new toy.

He didn’t have to buy me the chai tea but I felt like it was a very sweet gesture of him to do so. When he came back, I apologize but he insists that it isn’t a big deal at all and that he wanted to do it for me.

“Thank you, Pogue.” I smile.

We sit in silence for a while, just sipping at our drinks. It’s strangely comforting to be able to sit quietly with him and just enjoy being in each other’s company.

“How do you really know the name Pollux?” He asks over his cup of coffee.

“I told you. I hear it in my dreams every night.” I say softly as I set my cup down onto the table.

“Where did you learn it though? You had to have heard it somewhere before for it to be in your dreams.” He puts his cup down off to the side of the table before lacing his fingers together.

“I have no idea where I learned it. My adopted mom has told me that I use to talk about Pollux all the time when I was young.” I explain. “That was before the accident that killed my parents though. They’ve only been happening again for the last couple months.”

“Tell me about the dreams that you have.” He asks, leaning forward a bit, his elbows resting on the table.

“What about them?” I ask. I know what he’s talking about but I want to hear his voice some more.

“What is the planet like? What kinds of animals are there? What does the sky look like?” He asked, smiling a bit, curiosity burning in his eyes.

“Well, I’ve only ever seen Alternia at night. Trolls are a nocturnal race.” I start, “There are a million or more stars in the sky and you can see most of them like you can here on Earth. Alternia has two moons; one is pink and the other is green. The pink moon has a satellite. There are many kinds of animals on Alternia and they are all white in color. They have different names than their counterparts that are here on Earth and most of them are different in at least size. There are even dragons on Alternia. Some of the beasts take care of young trolls. These beasts are called lusii. It’s important for a troll to have a lusus.”

“Did you have a lusus?”

“No… My mother found me and raised me.”

“Why didn’t you have a lusus?” He asked, frowning a little. “You said it was important.”

“On Alternia there is a thing called the hemospectrum. It’s a hierarchy based on the color of a troll’s blood. Cool colors like purple, fuchsia and blue are considered high class whereas yellow, brown and rust are low class.”

“What about green?”

“Greens are considered middle class. My mother is a jade blood.”

“What was your blood color?”

“I have candy apple red blood. I was considered a mutant…” I say softly, holding my cup as I stare into the tea as if I could see my troll appearance. The world is quiet for a moment as my thoughts of my home planet swirl around my mind, blocking reason and logic from seeping into the utterances that fill my brain.

“Why are you so interested in my dreams?” I ask after a few minutes, looking up at him from my drink. He smiles a little.

“It sounds familiar to me. Almost as if I’ve had dreams that are similar to yours.” He said. “Tell me about what Pollux looks like in your dreams.” I can’t help but smile as an image of my matesprit fills my mind, clearing all the clutter.

“Let’s see… Well, I should probably say first that I am biased when it comes to Pollux since he is my lover and I think he’s perfect.” I smile. “He’s taller than I am, around 6 foot 2. He’s got one blue eye and one red. They are the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen, especially when they glow with his psionics. Psionics are kind of like telepathy but has a base in electricity. It can be used as fuel for ships. His blood is gold, so he’s way higher on the spectrum than I am. It’s the cutest thing when he gets embarrassed and blushes because his cheeks and nose turn slightly yellow even through the grey of his skin.

“He’s got two sets of horns, which is kind of odd for a troll but they fit him so well. He loves bees and honey is his favorite food. He wears a body suit kind of outfit that is yellow and black. His symbol is what humans use as the symbol for the zodiac Gemini.” I explain. I could probably go on forever about Pollux. There are so many things about him that I love and have noticed.

“So if Pollux looks like that, then what do you look like?” He asks once I finally stop talking.

“Me? Well… I look a lot like I do now but I have grey skin, black hair and my sclera, the white part of my eye, is actually yellow on Alternia.”

“Like a cat’s eyes?” He asks, eyes widening.

“I guess it’s kind of like a cat’s eyes. It’s probably because trolls are nocturnal and yellow doesn’t reflect all the light it absorbs like white does.” I say, nodding a little.

“What kind of clothes do you wear on Alternia? Are there any big differences between human you and troll you?” Pogue asks. I find these questions a little strange but I am more than willing to supply a fix for his thirst for knowledge.

“I wear a dark gray cloak with a pair of black and red leggings that come up to my chest. Feel free to laugh. Everyone does.” I smile. “As for differences between my human self and my Alternian self, there are only a couple big ones.”

“Like what?” He asked, bouncing a little. I love it when people are truly interested in a topic because you can see the interest and passion radiating off them like hot air from the hood of a car in the middle of summer. I lean back into my chair and cross my legs and arms.

“Well, on Alternia I’m completely male so I have a goatee and I would count the different skin color as a pretty big difference.” I say, tapping my chin.

“Wait…” He said shifting back, expression showing his confusion. “What do you mean by completely male? You’re a guy…”

“My gender is male but my body is that of a females.” I explain.

“So you’re trans?” He asked, pausing slightly before saying the word ‘trans’ as if it was going to offend me.

“I am. I haven’t truly started my transition just yet. I only bind for now. It seems that I pass as male so I haven’t felt the need to start testosterone just yet.” I smile. “It’s kind of amazing that I can pass so easily. It’s not like this for most trans people.”

“I see…” He said softly, nodding as he sat back in his chair. “I never would have guessed. I’m guessing that most of the people at the school haven’t guessed either.”

“The principal knows but that’s because they are my boss. None of the other teachers and the students don’t know.” I smile. “You seem confused.”

“I’m not sure if I’ve ever met a trans person before. I think you’re cool even with knowing that but I just don’t understand why… I don’t understand what makes you feel like the sex you were born with isn’t right…” He said.

“The thing is that on Alternia, I am male. The Alternian me is the real me. You see, trolls have both nooks and bulges. Nooks can be compared to vaginas and bulges to penises. In mine and Pollux’s relationship… When things get intimate…” I can feel how red my face is becoming as I try to figure out how to explain this.

“You bottom?” He asked, cheeks a light pink.

“That’s right.” I say, my cheeks having turned a furious, dark pink.

“I can picture that. You seem like a bottom.” He nods. My eyes widen and I’m sure that my face is an even more ridiculous shade of red from embarrassment.

“Pogue!”

“What? It’s the truth!” He laughs. Seeing him relax and laugh makes me relax.

“Hey, Carmine. Let’s get out of here.” He smiles. I nod and finish off my tea.

“Where should we go?” I ask, uncrossing my legs to stand. We throw our empty cups away in the trash can by the door.

“Well, we can’t go back to my place since I live with Cordelia and she would be pissed if I brought you home with me.” He said. “Why don’t we drop your car off and go to the park?”

“Neat!” I squeak out. “I mean… That sounds like a good idea. I like the park.” I nod. I know that I probably could have made myself look even worse but who says ‘neat’ anymore? No one says it! No one in their right mind would say ‘neat’ in front of the person that they have a huge aesthetic crush on! He must think I’m a square or something… Do people even use the word ‘square’ anymore? Wow… I need to get with the times…

With a smile, Pogue walks me to my car before heading to his own. I’m kind of worried about seeing my little house because the yard is a mess but I don’t think he’ll mind too much so I put it out of my mind. I lead him to my home and park my car in the drive-way before getting into his car.

He drives a yellow Camaro that has two sets of fins on the back. This just screams Pollux to me. I sigh a little before getting into his car. It’s kind of cozy and it smells good in his car. There is dubstep playing quietly from the speakers.

“Is this Skrillex?” I ask. He smiles and nods.

“Can you name the song?” He asked, biting his lip in anticipation.

“Ruffneck? I think it’s ruffneck.” I say.

“That’s right! I had no idea you liked this stuff.”

“I listen to a little bit of everything including dubstep.” I smile. The park isn’t very far from my house. If it’s not too hot during the summer, I like to take walks to the park and go for a jog. It’s a nice place.

He drives around, people staring at the nice car, until we come to a hill. He parks and gets out. It takes a second for me to realize that I should follow him. From his trunk, he pulls out a blanket. I quirk an eyebrow at him and he seems to understand what I’m asking.

“I keep it in my car in case I break down and it’s winter.” He says. I nod. It’s nice to be around someone who plans for the future instead of hopes that everything will work out in the end like I do. We walk up the hill a bit and find a nice spot in the shade. Pogue lays out the blanket before taking a seat on the left hand side. He pats the bit of blanket beside him and I take my seat.

It’s silent for a minute before I hear him plop back onto the blanket. I look over and try not to stare at his partially exposed torso. Why is he so beautiful? It’s not fair! He looks up at me expectantly so I lay back on the blanket with him. It’s odd how natural this feels to be with him, gazing up at the sky. I have my hands clasped on my stomach as I lay there.

“Hey Carmine?”

“Yes?” I ask, looking over at him. He’s got his arms under his head and I can see the muscles in his arms. The thought of having those arms around me makes me shiver with desire. Not really a sexual desire but the desire to be held. Oh who am I kidding?… I do have a little bit of a sexual desire for Pogue but if you saw him, you would understand! The man is a masterpiece!

“Tell me more about Alternia…” He said softly and looked over at me. It’s a simple request but it’s one that I am more than willing to fulfill.

“Well, Alternia is ruled by a fuchsia blooded troll called the Condesce. She’s the one who started the whole hemospectrum. She’s a cruel ruler.” I start my explanation.

“What are the levels of the hemospectrum?” He asks, having turned to face me.

“From lowest to highest there is the mutants like me, rust, bronze or brown bloods, yellow bloods, green bloods, jade bloods, teal bloods, blue bloods, indigo bloods, purple bloods, violet bloods and then finally the royal fuchsia blood. There aren’t many fuchsia blooded trolls. The Condesce has mutant wrigglers culled in the caves.”

“Sex on Alternia is called pailing. Trolls don’t reproduce like humans do and their relationships aren’t the same as the human equivalent. While I don’t agree with quadrants, they do serve a purpose on Alternia. Trolls are an incredibly violent race. You have your moirail who is the troll that keeps you sane and from killing everyone. Then you have a matesprit. A matesprit is your lover. You are sweet to them especially when it comes to pailing or sex.

“Your matesprit is the troll you love the most. On the other hand, you have the Kismesis. A Kismesis is a troll that you hate but want to have sex with anyways. You don’t necessarily want to kill said troll but they annoy you to the point that you want to be better than them so they can’t pick out your flaws. There are some trolls who actually try to kill their Kismesis and that’s where the auspisitice comes in. It’s their job in the relationship to keep the trolls in the Kismesis quadrant from killing each other.”

“That is fucked up.” He said.

“It gets weirder. Trolls don’t carry their offspring. Genetic material is collected in buckets and given to culling drones who take it to the mother grub. She eats the material and it all mixes inside her. She then gives birth to a bunch of eggs and those eggs hatch into grubs. The grubs stay in the brooding caves, being taken care of by the jade bloods until their wriggling day where they leave the caves to go meet the lusii. The lusus picks its charge.” I explain.

“When I died, I was traveling around Alternia with my mother, Pollux and a friend of mine giving sermons in hopes that I could change Alternia into a more peaceful place.”

“How did you die?” He asked, scooting closer to me.

“I was martyred… I was hung up by my wrists in a set of red hot iron cuffs. I think what actually killed me was an arrow.”

“That sounds painful…”

“I have the scars from it… I was born with them.” I say, showing him my wrists. The scars are light but there. His fingers gingerly brush over my skin as if the scars still hurt. I smile a little.

“They don’t hurt. They haven’t hurt at all since I was born here on Earth.”

“It’s kind of weird… When you first started talking about this, I didn’t believe you but the more I hear, the more familiar it all sounds.” He said, bringing my wrist up to his mouth. My cheeks flush as he places a gentle kiss on my scarred skin. He lets go of my hand and lays on his back again. It’s a perfect, comfortable silence before I see him shift suddenly out of the corner of my eye.

“Pogue? Pogue, are you okay?” I ask, sitting up to get a better look at him. His eyes are shut tight and he’s got his hands on the sides of his head, holding it as if he’s trying to keep it from exploding. There is a split second where I feel as if I have seen this exact thing before. Without a moment of hesitation, I shift and lift his head into my lap, rubbing my fingers on his scalp where there are just the slightest bumps.

It takes only a minute before his hands fall back to his side and his face relaxes. I smile and begin to hum a song that my mother used to sing to me on Alternia. I watch as relaxation seeps into his body. As I gaze upon his visage, something seems to click in my brain. Soon, I’m not in the park with my co-worker’s boyfriend but I am in the woods with my lover, rubbing his horns to help him get rid of a psionic headache. I can hear a familiar buzzing sound and a smile pulls at the corners of my lips.

The sound of a wave crashing on the shore brings me out of my memory. I look around, the sunset illuminating the trees surrounding us. Pogue sits up and pulls his phone from his pocket.

“I have to get going. Cordelia just messaged me… She thinks something happened to me.” He said softly. He doesn’t look very happy to be returning to her. I nod and stand, helping him gather our things.

“We should do this again sometime. I really enjoyed it.” He smiles at me and I feel my sadness melt a little.

“I did too.” I smile and head toward his car. I feel a hand on my shoulder and I stop walking.

“Put your number in my phone. I want to be able to get in contact with you.” He has a hopeful smile on his lips and an iPhone with a yellow case. I nod and take the phone, putting in my contact information.

“I put my name in as Red so if Cordelia looks through your phone, she doesn’t know it’s me.”

“She doesn’t go through my stuff but I understand why you did it.” He nodded. “She’s really jealous for some reason. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything to make her suspect that I am untrustworthy but she gets upset if I talk to another person… It’s ridiculous and I can’t stand it.” We walk to his car and get in. He talks about their relationship the entire way back to my place.

“I don’t really see why you are with her if you aren’t happy in the relationship…” I say. We’ve been parked in my drive-way for the past 20 minutes just talking.

“Well, she kind of owns the house we live in and the sex is pretty good. I just don’t see why she thinks that just because I speak to another person that I’m going to jump in bed with them.”

“Have you ever cheated before?” I ask, trying to think of things that could cause her reaction.

“No. I would never do such a thing. I’m faithful to my partner even if I see someone that seems like they would be a better romantic partner.” He looks me in the eye when he says this and I almost hope that he’s talking about me.

“You should get back to her. Your phone has gone off 7 times in the last 15 minutes…” I say as I move to get out of the car. “Text me and let me know when you want to hang out again.”

A few days later, I got a message. I almost didn’t know how to view it; I hardly ever use my phone. I finally got to the screen and saw the name of the person who had messaged me, grin lighting up my face.

“Let’s go out for dinner on Friday. My treat. –Pogue” The message read. I felt my cheeks heat up.

“When and where?” I reply. It doesn’t take long for us to come to an agreement to meet up at a nice little Italian place downtown at 7 PM. The week passes slowly, even slower than when I was waiting for graduation.

Friday finally came and I was ecstatic. I made sure to wear something nice but not formal, a red sweater and a pair of dark wash jeans. Even though I know that Pogue is taken, I can’t help but feel that this is a date. Around 6:30, I get in my car and head down to the restaurant. I’m early by 20 minutes. I sit on one of the benches outside the restaurant and wait, my leg twitching with nervousness.

It’s five minutes before we are supposed to meet up when I see his car pull into the lot. He parks near where I had and I stand so he can find me once he gets out of his car. He’s dressed nicely but a little more casually than myself. His yellow t-shirt clings to him and his jeans look as if they were sewn to make his amazing body look god-like.

Dinner was amazing. We talked about so many things as we ate. It was nice to get to see him comfortable with the situation instead of the trapped look he had when Cordelia was there. He spoke very passionately about flying and computers. It was hard not to get swept away with his liveliness when it came to these topics. I think he could tell that I really had no idea what he was talking about because he kept explaining what things were. Granted, I was grateful that he explained concepts and devices that I was oblivious about but I just really wanted to listen to him talk.

“I don’t want to go home just yet… Why don’t we go to the park?” He asked as we walked out of the restaurant.

“That sounds nice.” I smile and head to my car. We drive up to the park and I almost regret not taking my car home so I could ride with him. He pulls the same blanket out from his trunk and lays it down on the grass. We sit and chat some more before he asks if I can pet his hair again. With a smile, I shift so his head is in my lap and I bury my fingers in his soft, auburn hair.

“I don’t know why but your fingers feel so much better than Cordelia’s. Her nails are so long that it hurts…” He says, his eyes closed as I rub at his scalp. I wanted to say it’s because I think she’s the monstrous sea troll who ordered me to be killed but I thought better of it when I looked down and saw how peaceful he looked.

“Maybe she just doesn’t know how to use her hands like I do.” I end up saying. He smirks and I realize how my words could have been taken.

“Is that so?” He says, opening his eyes.

“Not that way you pervert.” I giggle. He smiles up at me and I melt a little inside. It’s quite for a while as I play with his hair, brushing my fingers through the soft locks.

“Carmine, can we do this a couple times a week? It’s very relaxing when we’re together and my job is so stressful… Not to mention all the fights that Cordelia and I have been having recently.” He says.

“Of course.” I smile. “I’m glad that I can help in any way that I can.”

“You’re so sweet.”

We plan to meet up on Tuesdays and Fridays. Tuesday nights, we meet up at the coffee shop and chat over our drinks. These nights are usually just talking about how our weekends went and planning for Friday night’s adventures. Friday is more like an actual date. We go out to a nice restaurant, usually one that neither of us has been too. Friday nights are for talking about our plans for the weekend and relationship issues, of which Pogue has a lot. No matter which night it is, we always end up at the park with his head in my lap and my fingers buried in his hair.

“She screamed at me for calling my cousin to wish her a happy birthday…” He sighed. “I don’t know why she’s so jealous. It’s not just toward girls either!”

“Pogue, you are very attractive and maybe she associates attractiveness with promiscuity? I don’t know. From what you’ve told me, she doesn’t seem good for you.” I say, running my fingers through his hair.

“I don’t know why I’m still with her… The sex isn’t even that great… It feels like I have to put so much work into getting off with her.” He said, closing his eyes again.

“Pogue… I don’t need to know about your sex life with Cordelia.” I laugh.

“I know but I feel like I can tell you these things. I feel more… More intimate with you than I do with her and I’ve been dating her for 5 years.” I blush a little at the implications of being more intimate with a taken man than his lover is.

“I know I can trust you to keep things that I want to be kept secret… Cordelia… Cordelia doesn’t understand personal space. It’s like she wants to be the center of my universe when she just can’t be…”

“Why not?” I ask, pausing in my petting.

“Because there has been someone else there for a very long time.” He responds. I nod and feel a little hurt. He has someone special to him. I could never hope to be in the place of either of the lucky people that could call Pogue their own.

“Hey Carmine, why are you so sweet to me?” It was in this moment that I was glad that I had driven myself to the park.

“Because I love you and I want to see you happy.” His eyes open just as mine are closing. I can’t tell if he’s shocked or surprised or angry and I refuse to open my eyes. I can feel the tears begin to form in my eyelashes as his weight leaves my legs.

“Carmine…” His voice is soft like a whisper and I can feel his hand on my cheek but I just can’t… I can’t let him see me cry.

“What about Pollux?”

“You idiot… You are Pollux… You always have been and maybe… Just maybe… One day, you’ll remember that and what we had…” I whisper as I stand from the blanket.

I think I can hear him calling for me as I run to my car, hurriedly getting inside before turning the car on and speeding home. I’ve ruined everything. He’ll never want to see me again or speak to me. He’ll probably tell Cordelia and I’ll be even more ostracized from the teachers at work.

I sit in my car in the driveway of my house, tears falling down my cheeks and blaming no one but myself for this situation. He’s going to hate me. The days that I look forward to every week are gone… decimated…

Is this what a break-up feels like? I’ve never really broken up with anyone but I feel as if part of me has been ripped from my chest with plastic spoons. I’m quite sure that a plastic spoon wouldn’t be able to break through my rib cage but that doesn’t make the pain any less real.

It takes hours for me to get out of my car, the windows fogged up from my gasping breaths as I cried. I wipe at my eyes with the end of my sleeve as I walk into the warmth of my house. I was suddenly thankful that I had never let Pogue enter my home or else everything would remind me even more of him.

I know what this must seem like. I am acting like a spoiled child whose toy has been taken from them. But Pogue is not a toy and he was never mine to begin with. His heart is taken by another, even if that person isn’t the person he is living with now. I feel pathetic.

I curled up on my couch, my phone inches from my head. I have no idea how many times my phone has gone off or even what time it is. I don’t know if I want to read what the messages say… My mind is telling me every singular horrible message that my phone could be holding right now. It takes a while to gather my courage, sit up and grab my phone.

Shock…

Shock is the only word that can describe how I feel after reading the texts from Pogue. If I’m reading these correctly, he doesn’t hate me. Instead, he wants to talk about what I had confessed but I’m sure he’s just trying to break it to me gently. If I meet with him, he’s going to scream and show his anger at me and my blasted heart for these stupid feelings that I have.

I don’t know how to respond so I don’t.

He messages me continuously over the next few days, trying to get me to meet with him. I give some stupid excuse so I don’t have to face him and what I’m sure is the inevitable emotional flogging that I would receive.

After a couple weeks, the texts calm down significantly. They become more casual.

“How are you today?” Was a text I received from Pogue one day.

“Busy. Grading papers.” My now normal response to his messages. It felt awful to be away from him. Every Tuesday and Friday, I would drive to the coffee shop and get a coffee from the drive-through, hoping to catch a glimpse of him. I had no idea if he even still went to that place but I always hoped that I would see him at the table that we had always sat at.

One night a few weeks after my confession, my phone went off just as I got out of the shower. I wrapped my towel around my hips before drying my hands on a hand towel.

“Carmine, I need to see you. I have so many things to talk to you about and you are the only person I can talk to. Please.” I stare at the screen for a few minutes, water dripping from my body.

“I’ll meet you at the park in an hour.” I respond before drying off quickly and pulling some clothes on. I don’t really notice how bad traffic is in my haste to see Pogue again. I pull up to the hill that we would always sit on and I see him there. It hasn’t even been 15 minutes since I texted him with my response.

I walk up the hill and he smiles at me. Oh how I’ve missed seeing his smile. I smile back at him and he stands. Soon I am being embraced and am surrounded by the smell of honey and campfire smoke. My eyes flutter closed as I wrap my arms around him.

“Carmine… I’ve missed you so much, love.” He whispered. “I remember everything now.”

“Prove it… Prove that you remember.” I say softly, holding onto him tightly.

“Remember when we went to the beach with Rosa and Dani?” He asked. I respond with a nod against his chest.

“We told them that we were going to go look for a place to hold a sermon but we ended up pailing under one of the docks.” I can feel him smile against my hair. “The next night was your sermon and I used my psionics to tease you throughout the whole thing. You were so mad until I got a couple fingers in your nook.”

“You always were a pervert.” I smile a little. “It was always the pailing that you remembered.”

“That’s not entirely true. I remember the promise I made you in the jail cells the day before you were killed.”

“What was it?” I ask, pulling back to look at him.

“I promised that I would continue to live. I did but not in the way that we had hoped…” He said softly before claiming my lips with his own. Out of all of the kisses that I remember this one was one of the best. I could feel the tears gathering in my eyes before one fell. His arms wrapped around me and the world disappeared. I couldn’t think of anything but his lips on mine with our bodies pressed together. It was pure ecstasy to have my love back. Reluctantly, I pull back from the kiss and giggle a little when he chases my lips, not ready to end the kiss just yet.

“Why are you crying, love?” He asks, wiping the tears away with the pads of his thumb before kissing under my eyes.

“Pogue…” I start but he puts his finger to my lips.

“No. Call me by my real name.” I smile and nod a little.

“Pollux, I’ve missed you so much. I have been searching for you for years.” He pulls me close and I rest my head on his chest.

“My love… I’m so sorry it took me this long to remember who I am and what we have… I… I had to repress the memories from a young age.” He said softly.

“Shhh love. It’s okay. We’re together again.” He nods and kisses me again. He pulls me down onto the blanket and we lay there for a while without speaking, just being with each other. It’s so nice to know that he is safe and that he still loves me. I had been so worried that maybe what I was calling memories was all just stuff I had made up in my head.

We begin to meet up on Tuesdays and Fridays again but instead of going to dinner or coffee, I pack a picnic dinner and we go to the park. It reminds me of the little dates that Pollux and I had on Alternia. Pogue figured out how to add Alternian to the languages on our phones and we began to message each other back and forth in our native language. Amazing how easy you can relearn a language when you are using it to plan secret meetings with your lover.

I knew that Pogue would continue to live with Cordelia and continue to have relations with her but it didn’t really bother me. He reminded me that quadrants were a very real part of life for trolls and that if anything, she was simply his Kismesis. That made me feel a little better about the situation but I secretly wished he would be mine and only mine.

A few weeks pass and I couldn’t be happier with how my life has turned out. I get to see Pogue, he keeps asking me to call him Pollux again, twice a week and cuddle and love on him. My dreams had become more prophetic in nature and one Friday morning, I woke up with the strangest feeling that something was going to happen.

I had had a dream that I was recaptured and the irons were back on my wrists. I could feel the heat of the red hot cuffs radiating down my arms. It was more like a nightmare than any of the other prophetic dreams I have ever had. I woke up in a cold sweat, clenching my hand to my chest as I struggled to catch my breath.

“Pollux, I had the strangest dream last night…” I send him the text after I get out of the shower. I’ve racked my brain to figure out what the meaning of the dream was.

“Tell me about your dream, love.”

“I was recaptured and I had the cuffs on my wrists again. I could feel the heat even when I woke up… It was terrifying.” I reply.

“That is strange. In other strange news, Cordelia keeps asking me questions about where I’m going tonight. I told her that I am simply meeting up with some friends from work for a beer. Hopefully she believes it.”

I nod when I read his message and gather my things to go to work. Time at work always seems to pass so slowly on the days where I get to see Pogue. At lunch, it is painfully obvious that Cordelia is watching me as I can see her glaring at me from the corner of my eye. I try to act calm but my mind is racing a mile a minute. I feel as if I am being hunted and that alone is a frightening feeling.

I can’t wait to get home and change into something more comfortable for my date with Pogue. We meet up at the park and lay on the blanket, side by side with our fingers laced together. Our palms touch and I can’t help but think of the line from Romeo and Juliet that talks about palms kissing. It is one of the best feelings in the world to have Pogue beside me. The first time the pink car drove by, I didn’t think much of it minus the thought that the color of the car is awful. Silence is easy between us and not awkward. It’s like we’ve known each other for so long that we don’t need to talk.

He brings our joined hands up to his mouth and lightly kisses my knuckles. I smile and blush a bit at the sweet gesture.

“You’re so beautiful…” He whispers before kissing me. Our fingers become unlaced and I loop my arms around his neck as he shifts on top of me, deepening the kiss. The weight and pressure of his body on mine makes the world disappear, I can’t think of anything besides him and his perfect kiss.

I don’t really notice when he shifts so he is straddling one of my legs, his hips pressed against mine until he starts to rock against me. He pulls back from the kiss but moves so that his lips find the sensitive skin of my neck. My body feels warm and tingly, I can feel a wetness between my legs. There is something pressing against my leg and I wonder if it’s something in Pogue pocket or if I’ve somehow aroused him.

He pulls back from my neck, panting. He looks amazing with his hair ruffled and messy, lips glossy with saliva from kissing me. He smiles down at me and my heart flutters in my chest, I feel like I have a million butterflies in my stomach. I know this feeling. I’ve felt it for so long but it always disappears when I wake up from my dreams. It’s the feeling that I get when I am with Pollux. It’s the feeling of being utterly and completely in love with someone.

“Pogue…” I whisper. His lips are on mine for a second before he pulls back, a smile on his lips.

“I love you too, Carmine.” He grins. My eyes widen when I see someone standing above us, a gun in their hands. The butt of the gun comes down, hitting Pogue hard enough so he falls onto me. I don’t know what to do. Should I scream? I can’t run, not with the entirety of Pogue’s weight on me. The man with the gun pulls his unconscious body off of me before grabbing my shirt.

“Say a word and I’ll shoot you here, mutant.” I know that voice.

“Dualscar…” I gasp out. The man’s face lights up with a wicked grin.

“Actually, the name is Ahab but I like my old title.” He purrs as he pulls me toward the pink car, where Cordelia is standing.

“You didn’t think I’d figure out who you were, did you Signless?” She asks, voice dripping with anger.

“How do you know me by that name?” I ask, voice quiet and slightly squeaky with my obvious fear.

“I’m the Condescension. I know all.” She smiles. I have never seen pink lipstick make a smile look so sinister and dangerous before. Wait… I have actually… I saw her smile like that when she had me martyred on Alternia. I try to make it hard for Dualscar to get me down the hill to the car but he is much stronger than I am.

“I’ve known who you are since the moment you stepped into my school, Vantas. It was even more obvious when I caught you staring at my helmsman at dinner but never… Never did I think that you would stoop so low as to steal another’s lover from them.” She growled, her hands balled up into fists.

“Helmsman… You made him into a helmsman?” I ask, mouth open with shock. “You claim to love him but you made him into a helmsman!” I yell.

“That… That was the pain that he told me about… All the flashing lights…” My voice is quiet with realization.

“I do love him and he loves me!” She growled as Ahab pushed me into the car.

“No he doesn’t. He doesn’t feel safe with you. He feels like he is forcing himself to stay with you!” I say just as the door is slammed by my feet. She gets in the car and looks back at me as Ahab turns the car on and drives off, leaving Pogue unconscious in the grass.

“How would you know what he really feels?”

“He’s told me. He knows that he can talk to me.”

“He can talk to me! I’m there for him! I support him and his decisions!”

“So then why does he say that things feel natural to him when he’s with me?” I ask, leaning closer to her. “If our love wasn’t strong then why does he remember me and all of the time that we spent together?”

“He’s MINE!” She screams. Ahab jumps at the sound of her voice and almost runs us into another car.

“Watch where you’re going fish breath!” Cordelia yells before crossing her arms and pouting like a small child that didn’t get her way.

It’s quiet as we drive. It’s a frightening silence and I’m sure they are being quiet so that my mind will show me horrible things that they could be planning to do to me. It’s working. I know how these two do things. I’ll probably be beaten and tortured before finally being granted a merciful death.

We pull up to a building on the dock that looks like it is falling apart. There is faded paint on the side that reads the name ‘Peixes’ though it is hardly legible anymore. The sky has turned dark gray and it looks as if a storm is brewing. The building has an ominous air about it even though the exterior looks like it has been weathered for a long time.

Ahab stops the car and there is another man, taller than Ahab, standing by a door with a painted face. I’ve seen him before.

“Alistair, come get this piece of mutant trash.” Ahab yells as he gets out of the car. With a grunt, the giant man comes over and opens the door, dragging me out of the car by my arm. I cry out, feeling as if my arm is about to rip in half at the man’s strength and grip.

They take me into the building where a platform with a beam sticking out of it that has a beam attached to it has been erected in the center of the wide open room. From the way I’m being lead, it’s hard to see but I think there are… I think there are chains hanging from the beam. I try even harder to fight to get out of the strong man’s grasp.

“NO! NO!” I scream. “Anything but that!”

“So you noticed the chains? I thought it would be nice to let you relive the memories.” Cordelia giggles as Ahab rips my shirt over my head before he helps the giant chain me up by my wrists. I scream but it seems that my pleas are falling on deaf ears. I hang there and struggle, trying to kick at the two who have hung me up by wrists.

The giant walks over to Cordelia and whispers something. She doesn’t look happy and the smack that she lands on his cheek echoes throughout the entire empty room. It looks like he is glaring at her before he storms off, growling undistinguishable words under his breath.

“Fine, you big oaf! I don’t need you anyways!” Cordelia yells, her heels clicking against the concrete floor as she walked a few feet toward the door.

To my left, I hear a sigh. I don’t understand how anyone could put up with someone as cruel and unpleasant as she seems to be. I can’t believe that I’m in this situation again. My wrists are beginning to hurt from the weight of my body pulling me toward the ground while the iron cuffs encircling my arms keep me in place.

Cordelia whips around, her hair flying behind her. She nods at Ahab and he grabs a whip from a table by the platform. I scream as he starts to hit me with it. Every slash of the whip against my skin hurts. It slices open my flesh. I can feel more than see the blood running down my torso. I have no idea how long I’ve been hanging there but I’m starting to feel numb in my hands.

I think I might have passed out for a while because I open my eyes to the sounds of screams. I look to my left and see Ahab crumpled up on the floor of the warehouse with something that looks like blood on his forehead. I can hear the rattling of the chains just before a click then I’m on the ground.

“Carmine… Oh Carmine… I’m so sorry, love.” I hear. It takes a second to realize that it’s Pogue speaking to me. He brings me into his arms and I whimper at the sting of my wounds.

“Pollux… She’s here…” I whisper, my voice cracked and rough from my dry throat. He pulls back just enough to look toward the clacking noise. It was in that moment that I realized that the giant I had seen earlier was the Grand Highblood but he was not with her now. Pollux leaned me against the platform, careful so that my wounds didn’t open further.

He stands and walks toward her, fists balled and knuckles white with fury. I watch them fight. It looks as if he is winning until she pulls a gun from a holster on her thigh. Pogue puts his hands up. I can feel the tears streaming down my cheeks and I can hear the screams coming from my lips but it seems like the world is standing still. My hands are searching for something, anything to help him when they close around cold steel.

I honestly never thought I would ever shoot a gun and I didn't really want to ever shoot one but adrenaline does crazy things to the human body and mind. I don’t remember hearing the shot fire or the kick of the gun but I do remember watching her fall to the ground as blood pooled around her. The next thing I remember is arms around me and the sound of sirens.

The world can be cruel but it can also be a place filled with happiness and love. I hope that everyone finds some sort of happiness in this life and that love be some of the source of said happiness.


End file.
